I'll Be Doggone
by Theodore Hawkwood
Summary: The Xmen, Misfits, G.I. Joe, and the Charmed Ones face the most cunning and elusive of foes…a Siberian Husky.


I'll Be Doggone

Disclaimer: A very mischievous Siberian Husky wandered off with the disclaimer that says I don't the Misfits, X-men Evo, or G.I. Joe. For continuity's sake, this story takes place around the events of Animal Shelter Antics and Meet the Incredibles…

AN: I'll be doggone, but I confirmed the fact that Sibes can figure out how to open doors.

Summary: The X-men, Misfits, G.I. Joe, and the Charmed Ones face the most cunning and elusive of foes…a Siberian Husky.

* * *

The streets of San Francisco were a veritable highway of information, all of it written in smell. When the inexperienced human left the kennel door open for a second too long, he escaped. His four paws tread lightly against the concrete pavement. During the heat of the day, he had taken cover, for his thick coat meant he could not stand the sunlight.

He remembered the scent. It was one that he associated with pleasant memories, of kind touches and scratches just behind the ears. He wasn't like the Early Ones, whom he had escaped from. They had barely touched him at all, and when they did it was harsh, a tight squeeze at the nape of the neck. Of the seven pups of the litter he was the last. He barely remembered the scent of Mother, the taste of her milk, the few kind touches before They took her away. The last sound he heard was a sharp crack like thunder, but there was scarcely a cloud in the sky, but the animal knew Mother was dead after that crack.

The other humans he met, after he fled the Early Ones, put him in a kennel, a larger kennel to be sure, but still an enclosure. He howled and barked day and night, fearing any second to be dragged from the enclosure to some horrid end. But these New Ones weren't as bad as the Early Ones, they were patient, they didn't strike him and they fed and watered him regularly.

Then several weeks ago, the one he sought came. He was like the New Ones, this human, but different. It was his scent the dog sought as he continued down the street…

There! The scent again. The dog turned the corner and traveled down the street and down a driveway. The human's scent was strong, but was in company with several others. The scent trail of a female human intertwined with the male's scent. His nose told him that there were more humans living in this house.

The dog approached the door, scratching at the surface before standing up on his hind paws and leaning onto the door knob. The human's scent was growing stronger, it was up the wooden staircase and it stopped at another door…

* * *

Ted couldn't help but smile at the sight of Paige, clad in nothing but his button down collared shirt. The shirt ended somewhere above the upper third of her thighs, exposing her legs. He gathered her into his arms and kissed her gently.

_Hmm, I think chances are good I'll be able to convince her for another bounce on the bed before breakfast…_Ted thought.

"Somebody's in a playful mood." Paige commented, as they parted for want of air. Clearly she was thinking the same thing when a commotion fit to wake the dead echoed into the hallway just outside Paige's bedroom door.

"LEO!" Piper could be heard screaming.

"Woo woo woo woo woo!" came a sound.

"What the hell!" Paige thought, as she raced for the door, thinking that some demon had just gotten into the hallway and attacked Piper.

"Wait!" Ted shouted, as he threw his jeans on, "That's no demon."

"What is it then?" Paige asked.

"I remember this sound." Ted replied, "It's none other than a Siberian Husky."

"OK, how do you know that?" Paige asked.

"Woo woo woo woo woo!"

"Shoo! Shoo! LEO!" Piper shouted.

"Easy," Ted replied, over the barking and sound of a very excited dog, "My parents bought one when I was five. We called him Torpedo because he used to knock me over every time came out of my room and lick me to death."

Paige opened the door in time to see a wolf gray animal with light tan areas on its coat. Its eyes were a clear blue color, and its gray ears were perpetually perked up.

"Will somebody tell me why there is a dog in the hallway?" Piper shouted frantically.

"Piper, you're scaring him." Ted remarked.

"I'm scaring him?" Piper remarked, "Try waking up and seeing a wolf in the hallway."

"Piper, that's no wolf." Ted replied.

"Same difference!" Piper snapped, "How can you tell anyway?"

"Easy. Look at its eyes. The blue eyes are a dead giveaway, and if it were a wolf, it'd have tried to attack you." Ted replied, before reaching down and scratching the dog behind the ears.

"There you go boy," Ted replied. The Siberian Husky licked Ted's right hand affectionately.

Paige, despite herself, couldn't help but smile and crouched down, and scratched the sides of the dog's neck. "Such a pretty dog."

The Sibe sniffed Paige, smelling quite a lot of the male human's scent on the female. Clearly she was the male human's mate.

"I'm almost certain I've seen you somewhere before." Ted replied, still petting the Siberian Husky.

"Didn't you guys volunteer at an animal shelter a couple weeks ago?" Paige asked.

"Yeah…" Ted replied, "Wait a second, now I remember. That was the Sibe I spent a lot of time with that day."

The Sibe delighted in the attention the humans were giving it. The male and his mate seemed to be the most welcoming. He had his misgivings about the female across the hall that was arguing with the male whose scent he had followed.

"Nice dog…" Leo said, as he headed out into the hall and noticed the Siberian Husky.

The new male was nervous, the one that appeared behind the irate human female. He didn't quite smell like the other three humans, there was something odd about him.

"Woof woof woof…." The Sibe barked.

"Easy boy…" Leo said, backing away.

_Hmm, in this pack I'm higher on the rungs than this one…_The Sibe thought.

"Ted, you were thinking of adopting this thing?" Paige asked.

"We talked about it, remember. And you didn't seem to have a problem with it." Ted replied.

"I didn't, but Piper would." Paige replied.

"Yeah, but what do you expect me to do with this guy. If I take him back to the shelter and don't adopt him, they're gonna euthanize him." Ted replied.

"Ted, if you adopt this dog it had better not go anywhere near my house…" Piper threatened.

"I'm not going to tell you what to do, Ted." Paige replied, "And I know your saving his life by adopting him."

"Are you sure you aren't going to be jealous." Ted replied.

"Of a dog?" Paige replied, "Of course not. Don't be silly. And it's not like you didn't suddenly spring this on me."

"People, will somebody get this mutt out of my house." Piper began.

"Why Piper, we don't have any mutts here, I believe that is a purebred Siberian…" Ted began.

"I know what breed it is, thank you!" Piper shouted, "I want to know when you're getting that thing out of my house!"

"She doesn't mean anything by it." Ted began.

"Ted, you better go. I'll try to calm Piper down." Paige replied.

"I'll be back for that shirt later." Ted replied as he kissed Paige goodbye, took hold of the Sibe and disappeared via the Mass Device.

* * *

Ted teleported into the Misfit House, arriving in the kitchen clad in jeans, hiking boots and his undershirt. Cover Girl looked up from the kitchen table where she was looking over the lesson plan.

"Ted," Cover Girl said, "We have class in fifteen minutes and I've been wanting to talk to you about the lesson plan and…"

Cover Girl looked up and then stood up, a Siberian Husky, about a year old, was sitting on the floor, idly scratching behind its ears with its forepaws. A black collar with dog tags on it was around his neck and a lead connected to a plastic handle in Ted's right hand.

"What the hell is that?" Cover Girl asked.

"A visual aid for our lesson." Ted replied, "Remember, Jack London and Call of the Wild are what we're covering today."

"Woo woo woo woo!" The Sibe barked excitedly. All kinds of smells were in this house, all kinds of scents.

"Down boy." Ted began.

"Back to my original question, Ted." Cover Girl said, approaching the pair, "What is that?"

"Why it's a Siberian Husky, or a Sibe for short…" Ted replied.

"I remember now. It was a case of Animal Shelter Antics." Cover Girl began, "Hey…"

The Sibe was licking Cover Girl's hand, and panting expectantly. "What did you name him?"

"I named him Klondike." Ted replied.

"He's not even white." Cover Girl remarked, "What's with the name?"

"He seems to be very fond of Klondike bars." Ted replied, "I went to the store to get one before I headed back here. When I opened the store freezer to get myself a Klondike bar and then he started barking like a maniac. The grocery store clerk asked me if he had a name yet, and suggested Klondike. And it clicked."

"Alright." Cover Girl said, "I just wanted to know what to call this thing if it's anything like any Misfit pets."

"Oh I'm certain Misfit pets aren't _that_ mischievous…" Ted replied.

"Awk! Special delivery! Special delivery! Awk!" Polly said as he flapped into the kitchen, dropping a lacy red bra onto the table.

Cover Girl folded her arms and gave Ted a stare, "Misfit pets are absolutely insane."

Ted replied, "I'm sure Klondike's not going to be that bad…"

"We'll see in class." Cover Girl replied.

Getting to meet more people? This 'class' might be fun. The Sibe thought as he trotted alongside Ted and the red haired human female.

* * *

"This is the stupidest thing I ever read!" Pietro snapped, "I mean who cares about a dog?"

"Grrrrr….." Klondike growled at Pietro.

"Good dog." Wanda remarked.

"No offense, I wasn't talking about you…" Pietro began.

"Does he bite?" Arcade asked.

"Only if you're a complete jackass to him." Ted replied, as Klondike sniffed the air.

"That means my brother's gonna get more than a few bites." Wanda quipped.

"So what's with the dog, Mountaineer?" Lance asked.

"He's a visual aid for the lesson." Ted replied, scratching Klondike behind the ears. Klondike licked Ted's hand and raised a paw onto his outstretched hand.

"What's the point of this book?" Pietro said, "I mean the dog gets stolen from his nice cushy home, taken to Canada, and exploited before he runs off and joins a wolf pack! Not exactly great reading material."

"Grrrr…." Klondike growled.

"Hey, I wasn't making fun of you…" Pietro replied.

"Actually, Pietro," Freddy began, "The themes are very clear. Survival of the fittest in a Darwinian system, adapting to different circumstances, and the call of wildness to a dog."

"Very good Freddy." Cover Girl remarked.

"Would another theme be about keeping your animals safe from thieves?" Arcade asked, "I mean it was kinda dumb that he got stolen."

"Weren't you reading the book, Arcade?" Lance remarked, "The servant guy, Manuel, had a lot of gambling debts and they needed big, powerful dogs up North. So he put two and two together, stole the dog and sold him to the dog traders."

"Well, wouldn't another theme be about knowing who works for you?" Arcade interjected, "I mean, Judge Miller hired a gambling loser who stole his prized dog…"

"Sometimes you can't predict people, Arcade." Cover Girl replied.

"This book is also about dominance and pack behavior too." Wanda said, "I mean Buck keeps having to fight other dogs for food and water and everything else."

"And hence Klondike, our visual aid." Ted replied, "He's now a member of our pack, the Misfits, so to speak. That means you guys are his pack mates."

"Can we pet him?" Toad asked.

"Hey, everyone's practically family to a Siberian Husky." Ted replied, "Cover Girl, what do you think."

"Go ahead. Just keep the discussion of Call of the Wild going." Cover Girl replied, petting Klondike.

"And remember you guys have a three to five page essay due Friday on Call of the Wild." Ted replied.

A collective groan rose from the Misfits as Ted made the announcement. The class still headed up to the teacher's desk to pet Klondike.

"Are you sure he isn't part wolf?" Arcade asked.

"I will guarantee Klondike's no wolf." Ted replied.

"How does Paige feel about this?" Cover Girl asked as the Misfits approached Klondike.

"We'd been talking about this for a while, so I didn't spring this on her by surprise." Ted replied.

"GRRR…." Klondike growled as Pietro came near.

"Same to you pal! TBPTT!" Pietro replied sticking his tongue out, "Stupid mutt."

"Pietro…" Ted began, "Don't bug him. He may not have had the best start in life, so try not to shout…"

"Such a pretty dog." Spyder remarked, as she pet Klondike, "Yuck…"

Klondike licked the face of the spider-like human. She had bent a little close to him while scratching the sides of his neck. He definitely did not like the white haired, skinny human.

"Woo! Woo! Woo!" Klondike barked at Pietro.

"Nyah! You can't catch me!" Pietro taunted.

"Pietro, that's enough!" Cover Girl shouted.

"GRRRR!" Klondike barked.

"Hi Cujo, who are you growling at?" Pietro replied.

"Isn't it obvious?" Lance quipped.

"Nyah! You can't lunge that far on that leash can you?" Pietro taunted, dashing in and out, in and out, slapping Klondike on the nose each time as he dashed in and out.

"Pietro! Cut it out!" Althea shouted.

"Quit being a jerk!" Lance replied.

"PIetro! You might want to quit doing that right now!" Ted replied.

"Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! Ny-OUCH!" Pietro shouted as Klondike's jaws clamped solidly down on his butt.

"Did I mention Siberians are genuine escape artists…" Ted replied, "Leashes, chain ties, fences and everything else intended to contain them."

"OWWW! He's biting my butt! He's biting my butt!" Pietro shouted.

Toad pulled a little digital camera from his pocket and recorded Pietro trying vainly to get Klondike off his butt.

"Leave it!" Ted commanded.

"He isn't letting go." Lance observed.

"Leave it!" Ted replied.

Klondike let go with a suspiciously smile-like expression on his face.

"I think," Wanda said, as she bent down and rubbed and scratched Klondike behind the ears. Klondike started licking Wanda back, "You and I will wind up being fast friends…"

Wanda snickered as Pietro rubbed his very sore rear end…

"Talk about an eventful first day." Cover Girl quipped as the class filed out.

* * *

The next morning, Ted climbed out of his bed, Klondike curled up at the foot of the bed on top of a big cushion. There was something tucked between his forepaws that he was chewing on.

"What've you got there boy?" Ted replied, as he threw his trousers on.

Ted bent down and saw that Klondike had a small brown teddy bear, wearing shiny black boots, and camouflage fatigues. He turned pale, "Oh no you didn't…"

Ted tried to take the bear from Klondike, but the dog stood up and growled. "Who are you growling at?" Ted replied.

"Leave it!" Ted began.

"WHERE IS SERGEANT SNUFFLES?" came the shout from downstairs.

"Looks like avoiding him is not an option." Ted said to himself.

"Beach Head! Calm down, you probably left him in the laundry room or something!" Cover Girl shouted.

"Oooh no!" Beach Head replied, "Because the kids keep stealing him every chance they get, I had a GPS tracking tag sewn into him."

Beach Head then pulled out a tiny handheld device in his right hand, "The radar sensor traced Sergeant Snuffles' location to _this _house."

"The kids didn't take Sergeant Snuffles." Cover Girl said, "But I've got a sneaking suspicion as to who's responsible."

"Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!" Came the sound from upstairs.

"What the…?" Beach Head began.

"Let me introduce you to the latest resident of Misfit Manor." Cover Girl replied, "A Siberian Husky, around one year old, with a huge mischief streak and a passion for making a lot of loud noise that keeps us awake at night…Ted! Get down here! Now!"

A few moments later, Ted came downstairs with Klondike alongside. The Sibe was holding Beach Head's teddy bear in his jaws.

"OK pooch!" Beach Head began, "Hand him over."

"Leave it, boy." Ted began.

Klondike dropped the teddy bear at Beach Head's feet and brushed against Beach Head's leg. "Don't try playing cute with me. You're lucky I don't sell you to the nearest Chinese restaurant." Beach Head replied.

"Beach Head. You threaten my dog one more time, you and I are going out back for a friendly little demonstration in Krav Maga(1)." Ted replied.

"My bear is covered in dog slobber…" Beach Head began.

"It's called a washing machine." Ted remarked.

"Guys, kill each other later." Cover Girl replied, "Beach Head, your bear is fine."

"Listen you…" Beach Head replied to Klondike, "Touch my bear again and Mountaineer is going to have to take you back to the pound in a doggie bag…"

"One more threat…" Ted replied.

"Beach Head, do you realize you're threatening a dog?" Cover Girl replied.

Beach Head walked off, grumbling with his slobber soaked teddy bear in his right hand, muttering ways to obliterate the entire Siberian Husky gene pool.

"Where is that crazy dog?" Shipwreck grumbled as he walked downstairs, "It kept barking at Polly all night."

"Well, if Polly wasn't taunting him, he wouldn't be barking." Ted argued back.

"Well if you're stupid mutt wasn't hunting my parrot." Shipwreck replied.

"We could always try acquainting them with each other." Ted replied.

"Awk! Special delivery! Special delivery! Awk! HOO HOO!" Polly began and dropped a silky black bra onto Shipwreck's head.

"Say," Shipwreck said, "That's not a bad idea. Smother Polly in some barbeque sauce and…"

"Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!" Klondike vocalized. _Breakfast. _The Siberian thought as he jumped towards the parrot.

"Too slow!" Polly laughed.

"I see Klondike is fitting in just fine with this family." Cover Girl replied.

BOOM!

"WHOA! COOL!" Trinity could be heard screaming maniacally from the backyard.

Cover Girl, Mountaineer, and Shipwreck all raced out to the backyard. It looked like the surface of the moon, with several large holes dug in it.

Cover Girl and Shipwreck glared at Ted, "Did I mention that Sibes are enthusiastic, though unskilled, gardeners."

"No, you didn't." Cover Girl replied.

"He's found all the explosives I've confiscated from Trinity and buried in the backyard for years." Shipwreck replied.

"Mountaineer." Roadblock said, as he walked downstairs, "We have a dog? What the hell were you thinking?"

"Look, Roadblock, I brought this up with you guys before." Ted replied.

"You said you were thinking of adopting the dog." Roadblock said.

"I had no choice. They were going to 'put him to sleep' when I returned him to the shelter." Ted replied.

Marvin looked back at Ted, "OK, your heart's in the right place. And I don't think they should euthanize dogs at the shelter to make space. But keep him under control, dude, or I will turn very very rude."

"Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!" Klondike barked.

"Listen! I'm _not_ your breakfast!" Polly cackled.

"Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!" Klondike barked.

"But I do have a much tastier morsel in mind…" Polly replied.

* * *

"What a surprise," Scott said, sarcastically, "The Misfits are here again."

"What were you expecting?" Toad began, snagging some French toast with his tongue, "You guys make the best breakfasts."

"So you mooch of off us?" Scott replied.

"Exactly." Blob said, as he poured syrup onto a large stack of pancakes.

"What the hell is that?" Scott asked as he saw a wolf gray dog, "That had better not be a coyote, Alvers."

"I thought you were smart, Summers." Lance replied, "That's a Siberian Husky."

"OK, you guys have a dog?" Scott replied.

"You guys are sick." Jean remarked, "You're subjecting an innocent animal to life with you guys...Oooh…"

"No so innocent, eh?" Lance replied.

"Since when are you a Canadian?" Scott replied.

"Since he's been hanging around Mountaineer too long. Heel. Down boy. Stop. That tickles…" Jean said to Klondike.

"Summers, it looks like you have some competition." Lance replied, patting Klondike on the top of the head, "Be careful with that one, boy, she'll have you in chains and whipped in a heartbeat."

"Alvers…" Scott replied.

"What," Lance replied, "It's not my fault your girlfriend's into bondage. I admit that I wasn't surprised that black PVC dresses were Jean's style…"

"Lance…" Jean began with a dangerous tone, "Prepare to die."

"Die Alvers! Die!" Scott shouted.

Lance ran off, being chased by a rabidly pissed off Jean Grey and Scott Summers. Optic blasts narrowly missed Lance. Jean was holding a wicked looking whip in her right hand and snapped it at Lance intermittently.

"Don't let him get away Jean!" Scott shouted.

"HELP!" Lance shouted.

"You brought this on yourself Lance." Pietro quipped, as he ran alongside the fleeing Avalanche and began recording the pursuit.

Meanwhile Klondike sniffed the air; sure Ted had fed him earlier but a snack in between was always something welcome. A scent filled his nasal cavity. It told his nose of a small animal that would be very good to eat.

"MEEOOWWWWW!" Prometheus the cat cried out in terror as he was being chased by Polly and Lockheed.

"HIT THE CAT! WIN SOME VODKA!" Polly shouted, "BANZAI!"

"WOO! WOO! WOO! WOOO!" Klondike barked as he sensed Prometheus and started chasing him around the Mansion, knocking over a vase and shattering it.

"MEEOOWWWW!" Prometheus cried out as he saw about thirty pounds of wolf grey Siberian Husky coming straight into his path.

Prometheus changed directions only to get dive bombed by Polly and have his fur get set ablaze by Lockheed.

"Lockheed! Bad dragon! Bad dragon!" Kitty shouted.

"Klondike! Bad dog! Bad dog!" Ted replied, chasing after the running animals, "Leave it!"

"HELP!" Bobby shouted as he fled in terror.

"YOU ARE SO DEAD BOBBY! YOU HEAR ME! DEAD!" Jubilee shouted, firing electrical bursts at him.

"DIE ICEMAN!" Rina shouted, claws bared.

A time bomb exploded behind Bobby, blowing a hole in the floor where his foot had been an instant before. "Don't let him get away!"

As Bobby ran, he saw Prometheus run between his feet. Chasing him was a wolf-like gray dog which followed and tripped Bobby end over end in his relentless pursuit of Prometheus.

"Gotcha!" Rina shouted, and started punching Bobby while straddling his waist, pinning him on the ground, "That's for the ice in my underwear drawer!"

"NO RINA! DON'T KILL HIM YET! LET ME TORTURE HIM FIRST!" Jubilee shouted.

"OW! OW! HELP! OWW! OWW!" Bobby shouted.

"Aw, good boy. Good boy…" Tabitha said, as she crouched to Klondike's eye level and started scratching him enthusiastically behind the ears and the sides of his neck near his collar.

Klondike affectionately nuzzled and licked the face of the golden haired human female. This was more loving attention than he had ever received in his one year life-span. The human in green introduced him to a whole tribe to ingratiate himself with.

"You're such a pretty dog." Tabitha said, stroking Klondike's silky fur, "Yes you are."

"OWW! OWWW! MAMAA! UNCLE!" Bobby shouted as the other girls were beating the daylights out of him.

"That's for freezing my bras!" Jubilee said.

Meanwhile, Klondike lay down and lay on his side and then on his back as Tabitha scratched at his belly.

"Who's a good dog…" Rina said as she rubbed the animal's stomach.

"You're so getting spoiled by us." Jubilee replied.

"Urrkkk…" Bobby groaned as he lay in the middle of the floor.

"I see that this member of _Canis familiaris_ is fitting in rather nicely around here." Beast remarked.

"Welcome to the asylum." Roadblock commiserated.

"Well, Charles just got a new stock in the liquor cabinet." Logan replied.

"Lead the way." Roadblock replied.

* * *

End

1 A martial art developed by the Israeli Defense Force.


End file.
